I know many people who have been hurt. I’m sure you do too. The one thing I hear over and over from them is “I won’t ever forgive that person for what they did.” Or “I can’t forgive that person for what they did.”
In most cases what they are actually thinking (subconsciously) is “If I forgive that person then I am weak. And if I am weak then someone else will be able to do that to me as well. I am going to make sure that I won’t ever be hurt this way again no matter what.”
What if that were not the case? What if you could forgive someone AND stay safe? What if you could actually keep loving someone, not have them in your life, and know you will always be safe? What if forgiveness is actually the only way you can ensure your safety?
When you are hurt, it is because YOU interpreted something someone did as bad. Granted, there are actually bad things that happen, but 99% of things that we interpret as bad are actually not truly bad. What if there was an alternative that left you feeling in control, in good shape, AND allowed you to maintain your happiness?
A great example is ending a relationship, whether romantic or platonic. Usually when you end a relationship it is because the other person is doing something that does not work for you. You get hurt when you love that person and don’t understand how they could be doing what they are doing. In most cases you only see 2 options:
1) You have to keep feeling badly, knowing the other person is going to keep doing something you don’t like.
2) You have to start hating them, tell them to go to hell, and end the relationship.
Here is a 3rd option that very few people think about. The one that lets you feel good, while not having that person in your life. This option changes the framing of the situation so that you see it differently. What if you could say the following? “I understand who you are, and that your actions seem to be making you happy. Our dynamic does not work for me any more, and is actually making me feel badly a lot of the time. I love you, and want you to be happy, but I also love myself and am not willing to compromise my happiness. Because of that, our journey together has reached its end. I am going to allow you to be yourself, and do what you want, while taking care of myself. Goodbye.”
Can you imagine how liberating that kind of conversation would be? You are powerfully setting boundaries, you are acknowledging that you are definitely worthy of feeling good, and at the same time you are not making the other person a villain. You are making it OK for both of you to be good people, who are not good together. It would also allow you to not hold on to hate, hurt, pain, poison, the need for revenge, and everything else that will slowly eat away at you over time.
You are absolutely worthy of feeling good. You are absolutely worthy of being treated well. You are absolutely amazing. By also allowing the other person to be all those things, while not being part of your life any more, you are letting yourself be physically and psychologically healthy. What an amazing gift to you both.
This is by no means easy, because it forces you to go against your primal instincts which say “My life is over if they are gone.” Or even “Why would I let someone who is a good person go? They have to be bad if I am letting them go.” If you can get control of your thoughts enough to remember that you are safe, you are still loved by many other people, you are not alone, and you deserve to feel good as well, you will be happy and thriving again very quickly.
Think of someone in your life that you wish was still there. Or maybe someone who is still in your life around whom you rarely feel good. I know your stomach is churning, but stick with me. Send them love. In your mind, tell them that you love them. In your mind, have the above conversation with them. Now release them to live their lives so that you can start living yours again. How does that feel? Did you get a small bit of relief? If they are still part of your life, are you brave enough to have that conversation in person? If not, are you brave enough to just cut them out while still maintaining that love and respect for both of you?
If it helps, remember, you don’t owe anyone any explanation or justification for wanting to feel good. You are completely justified in taking back your life and well-being without justifying it to anyone else.
By doing this you are actually making yourself incredibly strong, and ensuring your safety. By doing this you stop being a victim. By doing this you take back the control of who can, and cannot, be in your life. By facing it head on, rather than keeping yourself a victim, you ensure it won’t keep happening to you, because you stop being afraid to see the situation for what it truly is.
If you want a glimpse of what it takes to really shift your reality, pick up one of my books here.
Come work with me one on one Click Here
Check out my video series on my YouTube channel Here